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The Why Not Blog

Aeon · 2 · 311

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Offline Aeon

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A confession: I feel very much like I am overwhelmed. And worried.

You see, we found out not too long ago I'm expecting again. After my recent loss at 8 weeks 4 days, when I thought I was in the clear after hearing the heartbeat and mind you this was my first pregnancy, this has been a little hard to calm both my excitement and my nerves. I of course want things to work out for the best, and I definitely don't want to plan for failure, but it's hard not to want to shield myself from hurt when I've already experienced it. It's also hard not to over analyze everything and the struggle to keep myself away from Doctor Google is real. I know logically there's nothing I can do. If it's meant to be it will be, and if not then it won't and I will have to deal as that happens. Our first ultrasound is on the 9th, and it cannot come soon enough.

I know some cramping is normal.
I know spotting is common.
I know symptoms come and go.

These are facts, but it doesn't stop me from worrying at every little twinge or tiny speck of blood. This is an honest assessment of my anxiety and stress under this situation. I feel cheated, I do. I lost a lot with my first, including that blissful ignorance about pregnancy and how everything is awesome and wonderful and great. I hate I can't look at this completely positively and that I feel myself shielding myself from pain. It's not fair, to myself or this kid, but I honestly don't know how to not do it.

Thoughts and prayers and hopefully peace incoming.


Offline Aeon

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Diagnosis was a friable cervix. Which basically means it will bleed whenever anything breathes on it. This....does not help my anxiety. Logic says you were told where the blood was coming from, but emotion definitely doesn't listen to reason and it doesn't stop the instinctive response of blood = bad.

I was just beginning to do fine. I was just beginning to accept that the odds were now more likely than not in my favor than anything. I'd stopped bleeding and everything was doing well, great even. But then one stupid wipe and bam, more blood. And all of a sudden I'm back to worrying and fretting over everything all over again.

I had just made the decision to start bonding with this baby and to not let my fear get in the way of getting to know them, even though they're only the size of a blueberry now. But god it is SO HARD to open yourself up to that kind of love when you are PETRIFIED that the outcome will be the same again.

I need to make it through tonight because no matter what I will have an answer tomorrow at my first big prenatal appointment. It will either be another "I'm sorry..." conversation or I will have some game plan to deal with all this stress. Something has got to give because I really am not maintaining well. x.x