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His Shadows Bow Down [M] (Aeon+Kei)

Kei · 50 · 3776

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Offline Aeon

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Slender legs held steady as his head rose up, trying to secure her footing. It wasn’t the force of the action she feared would topple her, no he’d been rather easy in his gesture, but rather the sheer size of the head which greeted her in comparison to her own frame. She said nothing about this of course, and though she did sway slightly to one side with the tender gesture she did not seem bothered by it in the slightest. It was difficult to maintain size, and he’d already proven he had fine control of that in just this behavior. The tip of her maw inclined and Evy took just one step forward. The top of her maw pressed delicately underneath the chin of his shadows. It was a kind, reciprocated gesture meant to reassure him she was neither afraid nor going anywhere.

”I will stay as long as you wish me to.” She truly did mean this. Even if it would likely rouse the greatest of ire in her father for her continued absence. Bruises and blows were small prices to pay for breakthroughs, and he needed someone to listen and hear him out for a change of pace. She couldn’t risk that progress no matter the cost.

”There’s nothing wrong with being afraid or overwhelmed. It’s a part of being human, and dragon alike. I don’t know what has got you so distraught, but I can tell you this feeling of helplessness, this notion where you are a victim of time and circumstance, it will pass. You may not know the answers now, but they will come in time. Especially if you are still willing to find them.”


Offline Kei

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A shudder went through the shadowed form Tokoyami had taken. It wasn't a good movement, however, more that he was overwhelmed and hated it. He was just beside himself with everything that happened and what he'd been told was to come. He was tired of feeling as if all his choices had been taken away from him from  the very beginning. He still was only just learning what it meant to be a dragon and how he felt about that, but he was also having to come to terms with the fact he couldn't change what he was. And then there was the worry of his going into rut which he didn't want to do. He hated that lack of control when he had so little of it these past few years. Then his quirk was changing and his instincts were terrifying and now to be told he'd likely live so long as the moon remained in the sky was just...one step too many. He hated this, he hated facing it all alone, and to those that had always been dragons and had never thought they were solely human, he couldn't expect them to understand just why he was so afraid. He was a hero, but he was afraid and he hated that so much. He knew Atem had meant well by giving him the answers he'd sought, but he'd only made things that much worse. It was just...too much to have to bare alone.

But maybe, just maybe, if he could admit to things out loud it would help him in some small manner. And at least the little starlight wouldn't judge him for this mess he'd gotten himself into. It was worth a try at least. Though what he thought he needed to say and what actually came out of him as truth both surprised and horrified him for the topic. 'I...hate dealing with all of this alone. Instinct tells me I shouldn't be going through this without someone there to balance me. I miss her, so very much, even though it's best for us to be apart now so we aren't hurting each other. I just...I miss that constant presence of someone knowing me and just being there even while my life fell apart around me. We hadn't been near one another in years, but just knowing she was out there gave me great comfort before and now...I'm just alone and no one seems to understand why I'm struggling so on my own.' Another shudder went through him, a soft keening cry coming out of his shadows in a quiet breath of air that he couldn't hold in. He knew he was coming apart at the seams from too much going on, but he really just couldn't help it and none of them understood.

'I need someone with me to go through this; it's not worth it to me to keep persevering if in the end I'm all alone. Atem doesn't understand; he's always been a dragon first and his notions of what I should be able to handle because we are kin are sorely misconstrued. He tries, and I appreciate it, but I don't get the support I'm desperately needing from him. Yugi is the same, she was a dragon first even if she was born human. She's always known what she was and thinks differently from me because of this. It's all just normal for her and despite her empathy she fails to understand that these things happening to me aren't just 'for the best'. I don't want to just bully through this mess, I want for something to make sense! I don't want to just be told the truth I want someone with me to tell me it's alright that I'm afraid and stay with me despite that fear I know it's stupid and childish and selfish but I want these things so badly and it hurts me to be alone in my own head!' The shadows lashed out in agitation but didn't hurt anyone or anything because despite his distress Tokoyami held perfect control of the shadows that were so loyal to him. His form shook and he felt his eyes burning from emotions too strong to contain. He just...he needed someone to hold his hand while he went through this.

'Everyone says I'm so strong; that I can handle anything life throws my way. They're wrong, so very wrong. I don't want this chaos so out of my control there is no choice left but to face it. I just want one thing I have a say in; and that's something I haven't had in almost six years now. I haven't even decided how I feel about being a dragon now that I have the chance to find out. I'm terrified to fly lest some female wrest me from the sky with her rise and take my choices away yet again; even though I long to fly with another at my wing. My quirk is changing and growing and I can barely control it now for the strength of it, and Atem says I'll go into rut within the year and I don't want that lack of control yet again when that's what started all this in the first place!' And there was the crux of one of his problems. He was terrified of going into a rut; something normal for male dragons, because he viewed that as the turning point to all the bad that had come into his life. Things had spiraled out of control when Atem had gone into rut, after all, so it made sense he'd associate the two events now. His true form, so many miles away, had curled up onto his side in a vain attempt to protect him from the powerful emotions he was feeling. Yet he didn't stop talking because he really did need to say it before it all destroyed him. 'I just....wanted time to adjust to one thing before everything else fell in my face. And now....now he says I could live forever or he could ask the moon to loose me and I don't know how to feel about that and it's all just too much. I don't like that he could change how my power works; it's mine and he shouldn't be able to change it. I just...I can't do this anymore. No more...I can't'

He nuzzled against Evy's small frame again, shaking and lacking a proper way to deal with his feelings. It had been a truly trying few years for him and he'd pushed it all away to try and be a hero even to his own detriment. That was showing in his behavior now, and he knew he should have dealt with this long ago. Just...he hated to be alone and without a purpose.


Offline Aeon

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Goodness but that was a lot to try to absorb all at once. Evelyn could understand precisely why he would feel overwhelmed; she didn’t even catch or understand all of what he’d said himself about the situation so it was likely had she understood it all she’d be just as confused herself. One problem at a time though, and she had to remind herself of this as well as him because it seemed he dearly needed the reminder. ”Let me start with your relation first, because I feel there’s a lot misunderstood there. I’ve met him, more than once actually. That dragon as you call him is not so unaffected as you seem to believe. I’m not defending him, I’m merely saying I believe you two have different ways of handling things, and you both carry your burdens very differently. I am sure he cares very dearly for you, and wouldn’t intend you harm. But just as I’m sure you’re realizing now that the possibility is before you, it is difficult to be attached to people when you know you will outlive them.”

It was a safeguard, she assumed. He got close to few people, not just because his job put them in danger, but as a god the Pharaoh opened up his heart to continual loss as those he cared about died around him. It spoke a great deal to how he felt about Tokoyami that he even bothered to keep trying to mend the distance between them. ”Life is very much chaos, dear shadow. It isn’t something you can control, you can only take the moments as they come. You’ve done an amazing job at that, and you should be proud of yourself. I know you don’t feel strong, and you feel alone and like nothing will make any sense and that it isn’t fair and you just want so badly to be able to breathe instead of moving forward. But you would hate yourself if you couldn’t follow through; I know enough about you to know you wouldn’t give up. It’s hard, all of it. I cannot imagine what you’re going through, but if you want to talk about it, if you want someone to listen and be there, then I am here.” Her maw dropped, two small clawed hands gently cupping the muzzle of his shadows. A gentle, barely there lick was pressed against the brow of his shadows. He needed comfort whether he knew it or not.

”I cannot speak to the nature of a rut completely, having never gone through it personally myself, but I have joined one. The nature of my breed keeps me safe from going too far, becoming too physical. He didn’t push me. He knew, and he was aware. The stronger the male the worse the aggression to other males, but that’s not a problem when they’re kept away from them. You don’t lose yourself. You would fight any male dragon on sight right now—it’s not any different. The only thing that changes is the...appetite. They’re all only there to make you more comfortable. Whether that’s getting you food or servicing you or simply going swimming, it’s a choice all your own to make. It isn’t mindless rutting, shadow. You wouldn’t hurt anyone who came to you, I can promise you that.”


Offline Kei

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Tokoyami sighed, the sound quiet in the open air of Evy's office. 'I know he's not as he seems; I've been around him for years now. I just...the differences mean the way he gives his truths often causes more harm than good. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm struggling so much; he's always been that way. I just...I guess I went to the wrong person for comfort when I needed it most.' He sounded so sad about that, but didn't elaborate on it further. He hadn't gone to Atem to have him offer to make the problem go away, he'd gone to him to get reassurance that he could come out on the other side even if he was currently terrified. The shadow dragon seemed to slump; it's strength gone, even as the conversation continued. Eventually, he admitted to something that both shamed him and was his greatest weakness he'd yet to overcome. 'Honestly...honestly...I'm tired of always having to follow through. I'm so tired of having to push through it just because I must. I want to stop, I'm so tired, I don't want to keep moving forward for once. I just want to stand still for a moment until I don't feel so much the need to just disappear where nothing can touch me. I'm tired of hurting like this, and I don't want to have to deal with the more that comes from moving forward. I just want...'

Here he trailed off and sighed; unable to continue as he felt deeply ashamed for the fact that sometimes he wanted to just give up and stop instead of always pushing  through it. But that was also part of being alive that sometimes you didn't like being so. It hurt, so much sometimes, that he wanted to just let his shadows take him and disappear from the world where he could rest until everything made sense again. He couldn't though, there were people that would miss him too much. He gave a barely there croon to the female as she licked him, but the sound was short lived as he lacked the energy to continue it. She was trying, but he was just so tired. He shook his head hard at the mention of a rut, a low snarl of displeasure leaving him. The shadows went prickly and lost their shape even as everything in him denied going through what Atem had. He just, didn't want that. She wouldn't call it a loss of control, but she was a female and they always had the power to choose. He hated this. It grated against his nature because of how tightly he bonded to an intended mate. To consider straying for any reason; and to know he'd have no say in that straying, burned him from the inside out.

He didn't care that she might be alright with it, he didn't want to do it. Also he felt awful and now that he couldn't hold his shape so far from his body, he had to end this conversation. Or in the very least, change the direction it had gone. 'I really don't want to talk about that just now, please starlight.' He tone was almost begging because really he couldn't deal with the rut issue just now on top of everything else.


Offline Aeon

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"I'm not so sure I understand why you went there for comfort to begin with. You both have been at odds for awhile now. I understand you have mended in some areas, but I cannot imagine your relationship with him is anything but tenuous still. Still, he would be the foremost authority on what you might experience. He lived it, and he's the only male dragon living you could go to to ask any question you might have. It makes sense, but I wish I understood your reason behind going to him first with that." Because really, it didn't make sense. She wasn't being nosy, she just wanted to help and that would be more easily done when she knew the why of it all. If he chose to give it of course.

"There is nothing keeping you from staying at the point you are at right now in this moment. If you need time, then take it. You have said so yourself--he will not make a move on other aspects of your changing until you tell him one way or the other. It's not like that is in jeopardy. I doubt you will have such a surge of power so suddenly you won't be able to contain it, and if you keep out of stressful situations that may trigger it I believe it could stay that way for some time. There is no reason to feel you have to take it all on now. Take a step back and breathe like you so desperately want to." Her tone was gentle, an effort to be comforting. He didn't need to do this right now. He would have to deal with it eventually, but for now it wasn't a pressing matter. There was still time to this year, and the rut he feared may not even happen so soon or at all with how terribly he felt about it all. But he didn't want to talk about that so she wouldn't bring it up even if it may be comforting.

"Then we'll talk of the night. It's getting dark out now. The stars look lovely this evening. I try not to fly under them too often. They don't belong to me after all, and I only find it respectful, but it is something I miss."